Counselor's Corner
by Charlie Kanzig
 

November & December 2004

As I have continued my readjustment to working at the middle school level, I have become reacquainted with a problem that many middle school students struggle with: Gossip.

In Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, the reader is told in the Manciple's tale, "The first virtue, son, if you will learn, is to restrain and keep well your tongue."

But the tongue can be hard to tame, as most adults are well aware, so it isn't surprising that young people use their tongues in ways that end up hurting others. The problem of saying something negative about someone else, whether it is true or not, is that you can't take it back.

Shana Alexander said, "Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell."

At Sisters Middle School I have encountered both girls and boys who rumor and gossip regularly. Gossiping is hurtful and can cause lasting damage. I have made it clear to students, who have come in to my office with problems surrounding this issue, that I cannot help them until they commit to never gossiping themselves.

Having parents be aware of the problem and reinforcing the "No Gossip Policy" can be very helpful to us here at school. Here are some ideas I give students to help stop gossip in its tracks.

• Commit to never talking about someone who isn't present.
• Don't write any kind of notes at school.
• Don't e-mail "news" about other students.
• When you hear others begin to talk about someone who isn't present, try asking, "Why are you telling me this?" This helps the teller to realize they may be gossiping. If they say, "I'm telling you this because I am really concerned about this person," then help them to find appropriate ways to really help the person of concern.
• Another straightforward and effective response is to say something like, "I'm really trying to not talk about people who are not present, so please don't say anything else to me."
• Teenagers want to believe that they can completely trust their friends with secrets; I refer them to the wise Benjamin Franklin, who said, "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."  I tell students to guard their private thoughts carefully. Most of the time even best friends have a hard time holding onto compelling secrets.

I would categorize my overall concern about gossip at Sisters Middle School at about a 6 on a scale of 10 currently. Respecting one another is at the core of our expectations here and gossip is among the most disrespectful acts we can take part in. We encourage students who are having difficulties together to use school resources to help them resolve conflict. I will continue o teach students to practice honest, eye to eye communication with those they are not getting along with. At a minimum, we expect what I call "civility."

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. If you hear kids gossiping, perhaps you can also turn it into a teachable moment" by sharing ideas of how to avoid being part of the gossip culture.

- Charlie Kanzig, School Counselor